Writers Untie!

Fluffy bit of Humor, Edited 1

Jeff thinks of himself as a handsome young man, confident and classy. At twenty-two years of age, he has accomplished more than his parents could ever hope for: a double major in Philosophy and Graphic Design among other activities, like writing for the school paper, being on Student Senate, and graduating with multiple honors. His winsome smile landed him a job as an actor for a toothpaste commercial.

His rippling muscles—Well, that’s enough of Jeff, isn’t it? This isn't a written-in-the-mid-sixties kind of romance novel. Rippling muscles are not too important here.

So where is Jeff, and why do we care about him?

It turns out that Jeff is in a flustered state. Usually Mr. Confident (or so he likes to remind his friends), Jeff is not himself today. In fact, he is nearly twitching with anticipation—for today, he is going to meet his long-time friend. Err, lover. Well, actually . . .He didn’t know what she was. In fact, he could only hope that it was really a female at all.

Okay, it is now time to make known to the reader that Jeff met Kim (well, we assume that that is her real name) through her blog. Jeff still asks himself why he started a blog in the first place. He certainly didn’t have the time, what with his new job smiling all day for cameras. It really took a lot of energy to do that. He had to resist the urge to pout every time he thought about it.

He scanned the café apprehensively, searching for someone he did not know. Looking at the description that he had scribbled onto a piece of scrap paper, he realized that he couldn’t read his own writing. Did the description say ‘wearing a blue hat’ or ‘wearing a blue cat’?

Jeff became even more flustered, and tried desperately to think of what Plato would do. With ultimate truth in his grasp, Jeff would be able to quickely identify Kim. However, his chariot was looking a little shabby these days, and his quest for ultimate truth was looking less than good. I’m too far away from the top of the mountain, too far from ultimate truth! he thought to himself. * He sighed, searching his mind for another philosopher that might have a good way of dealing with such a confusing situation as this.

*If this means nothing to you, then you need to take a rhetorical theory class, or at least read some Plato

He could have stood by the cafe for hours considering the wisdom of various philosophers, but realized that it may be easier to just scan the area for a girl with either a blue hat or a blue cat; for it is not likely, he reasoned, that there would be more than one girl dressed this way.

Jeff, the reader can note, is quite an intelligent person.

He scanned the café, searching for a girl adorned with a blue accessory. Beside the window, there was a girl with a furrowed brow, a hideous bright pink purse on her table. He peered at her book: Lovecraft. Jeff despised the horror genre in general, and did not give this girl a second glance. Besides, she wasn't wearing anything blue at all, and there didn't appear to be a cat with her.

He looked over at the tables hidden in the shadows to his left; there were some teenagers dressed entirely in black, looking depressed and sleepy. One of the young men--or was it a woman?-- had a bright blue mohawk, and Jeff made a face. He only associated with people who wore clothes in the genre of GAP or Abercrombie and Fitch. And, again, there was nothing blue besides the mohawk.

Growing concerned that he was being stood up by ‘Kim’, Jeff looked towards the last remaining corner of the café. There was one person sitting on the brown pleather couch against the wall. Perhaps it was her, but Jeff didn’t want to get his hopes up.

Beautiful, long brown hair cascaded down her back. No doubt she used Herbal Essences this morning! he thought. She had a blue cat draped across her slender, elegant shoulders. Her feet were encased in flat, silver, sequined shoes. She smiled to herself as she flipped through a magazine.Jeff was enraptured.

But he was also scared out of his mind. The blue cat was intimidating, to be sure. Well, it could be worse, he thought. At least it isn't a dead gopher or (God forbid) a oppossum. He put the crumpled paper back in the pocket of his designer jeans, ran his fingers through his chesnut hair, and strutted over to the be-catted beauty.

Jeff cleared his throat as he stood somewhat menacingly over the girl. He looked up at him with a smile still on her face. Does she always smile? That's my job! Jeff thought, almost out loud. But as quickly as she flashed him a smile, it vanished when she saw that Jeff was . . . well, he looked a little young for her! She was twenty-five, a mature twenty-five at that. She didn’t have time to waste on this little immature ruffian, this—this boy!

Jeff offered Kim his most winning of all smiles, the one that he had to use the extra muscles for.

"Hi, I'm Jeff," he said, extending his right hand. "And you must be Kim."

"Actually, I'm not. My name is Francene. Is there something I can do for you?"

"No . . . well, I was supposed to meet Kim here. She told me that she'd be wearing a blue cat; and, well, you are the only one here . . . "

"Look, I'm not her, ok? Can I go back to reading my magazine, or will you insist upon intruding into my existence longer yet?"

"I'm leaving, all right!" Jeff hissed at her, trying to keep the conversation as quiet as possible while attempting to restrain his nerves. As he walked away from the brown-haired beauty, Jeff felt an aching lonliness in his heart, and for the first time in his life, felt lonely and alone. And terribly lonely. And desolate. And--

But hark! What was this dazzling creature before his very eyes? She was not wearing a cat, and she was not wearing blue, but she possessed a look on her face that intreigued Jeff immensly. Suddenly, he no long felt nervous, but was back to his usual confident self. This girl, he said to himself, looks is just what I need. I’m capable of winning her over, no problem; she’ll love me and I won’t even have to work hard to win her over.

Jeff felt himself very capable and confident, but only when it came to an easy target—and that is all that he looked out for. If it was too difficult, then it was not worth his time and effort. With this attitude, situations were always win-win. No losing had to be involved if you were excessively better than your target. With this new thought and bold and brave attitude, Jeff resumed his strut as he polonaised across the café and over to the pink-pursed girl reading Lovecraft.

Little did Jeff know that he was in for a letdown.

posted by Lindsey Charlton @ 7:38 PM